I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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