I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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