Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
