I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
