Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
