i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
