found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
