apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
