Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Randomize
