I would go down on you faster than GM stock
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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