i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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