I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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