if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
