I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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