Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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