hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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