doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
