I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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