Don't make out with my wife yet
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
