between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
