I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
