I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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