You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
