I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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