Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
