Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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