you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
