Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Randomize
