Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
