You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
