The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Farmville is her only friend.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
