We're facebook friends in real life
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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