just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
