Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
