goodnight i made you a song goodbye
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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