I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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