Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
