alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
