I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
