Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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