I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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