He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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