Your face is a jimmy john
wakey wakey hands off snakey
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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