Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Randomize
