Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
