1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Randomize
