What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
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