When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize
