Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
