now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
