Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
