i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
