how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
