i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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