I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
