dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
