It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
