P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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