Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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