My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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