his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize
