omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
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